This phrase makes me uncomfortable for a couple of reasons. First, it implies rubbing your success in other peoples’ faces, which I’ve always found pretty disgusting. But the main reason I don’t like it is because I think revenge of any kind ends up being self-destructive in the long run.
It reminds me of an interview Bill Moyers did with Desmond Tutu, where he asked him about forgiveness, and Tutu said “Well basically I’m saying ‘I am abandoning my right to revenge.’” And he follows that thought up with “I am opening the opportunity to you to make a new beginning.”
When I think about the regrettable moments where I’ve given in to the instinct to seek some measure of revenge against people, I can say without fail that I usually feel some kind of satisfaction in the moment, especially if I believe I’ve come up with a very clever way of getting even. But that satisfaction never lasts. It is always always always followed by an inevitable realization that I’ve lowered my own standards in order to have that momentary feeling of satisfaction.
What’s also very interesting is the difference between that momentary feeling of satisfaction and the long-term feeling of peace that comes when I embrace the Tutu approach and give up my right to revenge.
I recently had a situation come up where my initial instinct was vengeance. It wasn’t a huge incident…something petty that someone I once considered a friend did, and I just found it mostly sad that they would put so much energy into taking such an action. But I also had that moment where I started playing with ideas in my head for how to retaliate. I was even kind of proud of some of the ideas I came up with. But I also knew from past experiences how it would feel if I followed through.
So instead I did what I have learned in my recovery program; I started praying for that person. I actually hate this more than anything I’ve learned in recovery. I fucking hate praying for people I can’t stand. But again, I have experienced some incredible moments of peace and transformation from humbling myself enough to do this.
I was once friends with a fellow writer, and we had a horrible falling out. He yelled at me and another writer friend and stormed out of a restaurant where we were supposedly giving each other helpful feedback. For years, we avoided each other even though we both ran in the same circles so we saw each other often.
I finally got tired of being so angry at this guy and started praying for him. And as the program suggests, I started praying that he should get what I wanted for myself. I did not want to pray for that. I wanted to pray for the opposite. But I forced myself.
And one day, after not having any direct contact with this guy for years, he called me. Do you think he called to tell me he was sorry. No, he did not. He called to tell me that he had just gotten a huge book deal.
When I hung up the phone, I was furious. The gall of that asshole. But I immediately realized that I had been praying that he get what I wanted. And I also realized, even more painfully, that in the back of my mind, I had been praying for that guy to get what I wanted with the distorted belief that it would eventually mean I got what I wanted.
So basically, I was trying to manipulate the spiritual world, which is pretty fucking twisted. But what can I say? I’m human. I concluded that if I was going to pray that other people get what I want, I better be sincere about it or I’m going to end up in that same place where I’m the one who’s miserable no matter what the outcome.
About six months later, I picked up my Sunday paper and when I opened the arts section, there was a full-page article about this guy and his book, and it ended up bringing up those same emotions again. I was angry, jealous, resentful. But I also knew what I needed to do. So I called him up and congratulated him. Was it sincere? No. Not really. But did it feel good? Yes. It did.
Probably about a year later, I was about to move back to Montana, and that guy came up to me after a meeting one day. “I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. But I just wanted to let you know that when that article about my book came out in the paper, I spent that entire day waiting for my friends to call and congratulate me, and you were the only one who did. So I want to thank you for that.”
That, my friends, was the best reward.
A reminder that you can pre-order a signed copy of BE A MAN: Raised in the Shadow of Cowboys (this is an excerpt from that book) at this link:
Bishop Desmond Tutu explained his situation idea of forgiveness so well, it seemed easy. But it isn’t but that’s no reason not to try to forgive.
Also I would like to pre-order your book. How do I do that?
This is gold, Russ. Thanks!