When my mother was fourteen years old, her parents arranged for her to board with a family in Ekalaka, Montana, which was sixty miles from their ranch. The family that they boarded with lived in a tiny two-bedroom house, but they actually had three boarders that year, one of whom, Jane Hunter, was another girl whose parents owned a ranch nearby.
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The family they boarded with had two girls, and the oldest was the same age as Mom and Jane, as well as one other boarder, so those four girls shared one bedroom, while the younger sister slept in the closet. The close proximity with four teenage girls could have gone either way in terms of how well they got along. But in this case, it turned out to be fertile ground for a thriving friendship. Jane and my mother became best friends, and they have been ever since sharing that tiny space, coming up on 75 years now.
To me, one of the most interesting things about their friendship is that Jane and her husband Bob are life-long Republicans, with Bob even serving two terms in the Wyoming legislature, while there are few people who are more inflexibly Democrat than my mother. And although I’m sure they’ve had an occasional awkward moment discussing issues of the day, it has never interfered with their friendship. Their love for each other always took precedence over their views on the world.
Also, the two women claim to this day that this wasn’t planned, but their first three children were all born within the same year, with the oldest being me and Jane’s son Stuart, who was born three weeks after I was. So Stuart has been like a brother to me. Growing up, we visited the Tanners at least once a year, and Stuart and I played every sport you can imagine with other neighborhood kids in Casper, or in Billings. We were both competitive, but I was a much more volatile kid, prone to tantrums, and I always appreciated how Stu had a knack for bringing me back to my senses, usually with a witty remark. He had a certain calm even when we were kids.
This week, my sister and I drove my 89-year-old mother to Casper so Mom could spend time with Jane, and with Bob, who is now 94 years old. As an added bonus, Stuart drove up from his current home in Saratoga, and he and I played 36 holes of golf, where we had a chance to catch up.
Stuart and I could not have led much more different lives. Stu became the Wyoming state champion in the 400 meters (or it might have still been the 440 yard run at the time), and earned a track scholarship to Weber State in Utah, while I earned a music scholarship to Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma, Washington.
While I obviously pursued a career in the arts, Stuart went to work just out of college for Autoelect, a company that designs electronic control systems for oil and natural gas operations.
When the founder of Autoelect decided to retire, he hand-picked Stu as his successor, and until he retired himself a few years ago, Stu ran Autoelect and grew it into a multi-million dollar company with as many as 300 employees. He’s one of the smartest guys I know, but also a guy who is well aware of his weaknesses, so he was well-respected in his company.
So here’s why I’m telling this story. Stu and I spent about seven hours together, just the two of us, talking about everything from unions to abortion to sales tax, and maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise, but when it comes right down to it, we agree on ninety percent of the topics we discussed. And more importantly, when we didn’t agree, we were able to discuss why without any tension or discord. It helps that we have known each other forever, so we have a level of trust that’s just expected. But the more I’ve thought about it since we talked, the more I realize that when it comes to issues that are really important, most people probably do want everyone to find a common ground. Most people aren’t looking for reasons to fight, or generate more conflict.
Having been a successful businessman for decades, Stu is very pragmatic about the world, and one of the phrases he kept repeating when we were talking about some high-profile political issues was ‘People just want to make sure someone is going to pick up their garbage.’ Of course he didn’t mean that literally, but his point was that, when it comes right down to it, Americans just want to know they can rely on the government to supply the services to which they’ve become accustomed.
He told a great story about asking his father Bob for advice about how to negotiate the next contract with the union, and Bob told him “Just remember that when you get to the point where both sides are just a little bit irritated, you’ve probably found just the right balance. If one side or the other gets their way, that’s usually bad for everyone.”
And as a moderate Republican, Stu is just as annoyed with a certain faction of his party as I am, that faction which has turned its focus away from making sure the garbage gets picked up and instead focusing on issues that most Americans would probably not even think about without a prompt from an outside source. “When people start saying ‘If you don’t agree with me, it means you’re not a true American,’ that’s when the problems start.”
Stu also told me “I’m all for small government, but when these guys start talking about doing away with this agency, or gutting another one, I always wonder whether they think about the people who have spent twenty years providing some important function. What happens when there’s nobody there to answer that phone, or receive your paperwork for an important service?”
I keep hoping that enough Americans are going to come to a point where they grasp this same basic notion, that the further the extremists (and yes, there are extremists on both sides) push and pull the discussion away from the basic function of government, the more we all suffer. The more likely it will be that every one of us will find ourselves trying to find answers to a problem, or wanting to apply for medical help, and getting no answers. We already find ourselves in a situation here in Montana where people who have been disenrolled from Medicaid for illegitimate reasons are facing hours of wait time on the phone just to get through to a service rep.
There is plenty of evidence to indicate that the morale at government agencies is at an all-time low after the cuts that were made during the Trump administration. The way people talk to government employees has also taken a turn for the worst, so these agencies are not only understaffed, but they’re facing an unprecedented level of abuse.
I have been doing my best to put my faith in the basic values that were once expected in our country, where treating people with respect and putting some value in your work, will prevail over the divide and conquer narrative that has driven such a wedge between so many people. I want to believe that the more times we sit down with people like Stu Tanner and have a rational conversation about what we want our government to look like, it will come to be.
I want to believe that the relationship that started in that tiny bedroom in Ekalaka, Montana, and trickled down to the two oldest sons is still the kind of relationship people want to cultivate in Montana, and in America.
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Thanks for sharing this Russ. Glad to hear there are more and more moderate Republicans.
Fascinating, Russell. An illuminating and enjoyable read--thank you for posting! Love the relationship you have with your Republican pal, Stuart. We can all take a lesson. I am curious about why your grandparents boarded out your mom. Perhaps you addressed it in another post?